The wonder and excitement flow through me,
as I see you on the soccer field.
I think about the time our moist lips would meet,
and the way your back would shield the sun.
I loved the way you would get a wild look in your eyes
when I used to say,
'Let's have some fun.'
Then it grew dark outside.
The sky then filled with clouds.
Our lips met,
then parted only to find out,
we needed more.
The rain came down in blistering cold sheets.
We ran to my room.
You closed the door.
I locked it slowly, my eyes giving away my coldness.
And from then on,
'till you left,
our lips parted once more.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
lol LOVS IT
I am obliged to agree with Eimear on this one. She has hit the nail on the head.
rofl.
well done. Kudos all around!
You clearly have the knack for story-telling and description. However, this is not a proper poem (in it's use of conventions and style). I was not so concerned about you, revealing too much of your own personal experiences. Though, it is true, that some poeple may be turned off...even though you were turned on. oooo! im nasty!!
All in all- this is a nice read
This is a bit on the saucy side, yes? XD
Anyway- few things, this really seems a bit more like prose than poetry- but maybe that's because you tell a story, and quite vividly at that, so kudos are hereby handed out. However it's not completely without faults. This is very personal. And writing personal, although it gives us great- real feelings to write about, can either make or break a poem. Let me explain a bit future. Tell too much about your own experience, and the reader will go- 'huh? Well, nothing like that has ever happened to me...so I don't really care.'
But move this into the realms of showing rather than telling, perhaps using this theme of the best day in your life when you and your love interest had a great time as a backbone and develop it more fully with different imagery, broader concepts, and the reader will being to do what they do best- visualise a time when something like that- or an emotion that they had relates back to the poem.
So-good start, but it needs developed through more poetic devices.
Eimear xx